My Angel Babies – Our journey of loss and love

 

My name is Emily and I am 1 in 4.  This is the story of my Angel Babies.

On May 30th, I married my best friend changed my name and officially became a step-mom of a 10 year old boy.  In July, we unofficially started “trying”, thinking it would take a few months to get pregnant.  On August 10th, I got to tell my husband we were going to have a baby.  The joy and fear in those moments are memories I will never forget.  My heart wouldn’t stop pounding and my mind was going a mile a minute.  The hopes and dreams made my heart soar.  I was so happy.  The next day I was at the doctor where they confirmed my test and took blood to double check.  Two days later I got a phone call saying the blood test was also confirmed, but they wanted me to do more tests due to low numbers.  On August 13th, we lost our baby.  Four days.  That’s all I had with my first baby.  We didn’t even have a chance to tell our family and friends.  I sat in the ER with a heavy heart, knowing even before the doctors told me that my baby was gone.  My husband and I crashed.  This incredible high we were on crashed like a truck hitting a brick wall.  We cried for days.  A piece of my heart will always be with my baby, no matter how short of a time we had with him or her.  

Two months later, I got to tell my husband we were pregnant again.  I was thrilled but held back.  I was filled with more fear than joy.  I was filled with the painful emotions of before.  I saw my OB right away and there was blood work done.  They gave me extra progesterone.  I was holding my breath.  A couple weeks went by and we were still OK.  We didn’t tell family.  Not until our risk of losing our baby was lower.  Things were fine and they scheduled an ultrasound so we could hear a heartbeat.  Two days before my ultrasound, I was driving home when my heart dropped.  I’ve felt this before.  After calling my doctor we went in for an ultrasound.  As much as I prayed, we did not hear a heartbeat that day.  On December 10th, everything crashed again.  Why did God take another baby from me?  Our parents were the only ones who knew for months.  I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone.  I felt like I was in a tunnel I couldn’t get out of.  I will never understand why, but I accepted that it wasn’t God’s timing for us to have a baby right then.  Another piece of my heart went to Heaven that day.

After that, we stopped “trying”.  I couldn’t take more heartbreak.  I needed to heal.  We needed to heal.  But on January 6th, I wasn’t feeling well.  We were pregnant again.  More joy, more fear.  More blood tests and ultrasounds.  I gave blood 3 times that week.  My levels got higher and my fear faded as time went by.  On February 6th, we hear our baby’s heartbeat!  There are no words to describe the emotions we felt that day.  On September 26, 2016, we met our rainbow baby.  Allison Kay.  

Nothing can replace the loss of a baby.  I will never forget my Angel babies.  I never got to hold them, but I will always love them and I can not wait to hold them in my arms one day in Heaven.