Another story of loss and then hope……
In Rachel’s words…..
In May of 2015 I found out I was pregnant! My husband and I were so excited we could hardly keep quiet about it! We told our immediate family and waited until after our 12 week appointment to make the announcement to the rest of the world. We heard that heartbeat going strong at 12 weeks and were relieved and so happy! Everything in my pregnancy seemed to be going great! I felt great and had no sickness and not too much fatigue. I had a 16 week follow up and told my husband he didn’t have to go. “They will just check my levels and do another Doppler no big deal”. So he went to work and I told him I would let him know how everything went. The dr. Asked me if I had felt any flutters of movement or if I felt any different. I said no. Actually, I hasn’t felt much different at all and I admitted that it had me a little worried. She said that was normal and we began the Doppler to listen for the heart beat. Minutes felt like hours and this time she was having trouble. “Sometimes baby moves around so much at this stage it might be hard to find it”. I couldn’t help but think she was trying to keep me from worrying but I just felt like something wasn’t right. She searched and searched as i laid there praying “please God let me hear that heartbeat…”. After maybe 15 minutes of no luck my Dr. suggested we do a bedside ultrasound to see if she could find it on there. My heart sank. I had a terrible feeling. My baby was no longer alive and safe inside me.
I didn’t want to worry my husband so I didn’t text or call just yet. She wheeled in the small bedside machine and began searching my tummy to see a flutter of a heartbeat. After a few minutes I hear my Dr. whisper something I will never forget….”come on baby wake up”. I immediately began to cry. This is it, I thought, she is going to tell me there is no heartbeat. She kept up hope and tried to keep mine by suggesting we go to the radiology department and have a tech do a full ultrasound and vaginal ultrasound because “they are better at finding these things than I am”. Except, I work at the hospital. I knew she really just needed confirmation to what she already knew. Our baby’s heart had stopped. And I knew it. I decided to text my husband. I told him what had happened so far and said “just start praying”.
I walked alone to the radiology department and laid down on the table. Kristina said “maybe I can work my magic”. After several minutes of her searching desperately for a miracle and several concerned facial expressions later she confirmed my worst fear. “I’m sorry, Rachel. There is no heartbeat. The baby’s blood is no longer flowing as it should. I’m so sorry”. Without my husband I laid there bawling my eyes out as she hugged me and let me stay as long as I needed. She confirmed the fetus had measured around 13 weeks gestation. They couldn’t explain why or how. The baby simply quit developing. This was NOT good enough for me. I spent the next 24 hours blaming myself because it was ME that had to carry this baby. It was ME that was responsible for keeping the baby safe. Then, all of a sudden I realized…. it was the same day 3 years before that my mother had died after a 6 month battle with cancer. The EXACT same day.
My doctor gave me several options. 1. I could go home and wait until my body naturally went into labor. 2. I could take a pill to start my labor or 3. I could have a DNC. If I were to do the DNC Â I would need to do it the very next morning at 6am. I felt rushed I felt confused and all of a sudden I just felt numb. My whole world was turned upside down. I decided on the DNC. I went home and stared at all of our baby things we had been collecting from friends who wanted to help us out. So many things were going through my head. I sobbed and sobbed and couldn’t sleep. The next morning I had the DNC.
I wasn’t allowed to see or hold my child. I didn’t know if it was a boy or girl. I had no closure or comfort of burying my first baby.
I left the hospital empty and broken.
Our doctor recommended that we wait 2-3 months before trying to get pregnant. I knew I wanted to try again. I knew God had a plan and this somehow happened for a reason. So, We decided to let God decide. Two months later we were pregnant again! I was so excited and nervous. Would this time be different? Each week seemed like years and we prayed more than ever. Now we have a beautiful, healthy, thriving baby girl! I believe in angles and I think her’s is her brother or sister. I believe the share the same soul. I know my mother holds that first baby in her arms in heaven as they watch Tyler play.
I thank God everyday for the strength I have gained through these tough times. And I thank God for rainbow babies.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us Rachel!!! <3
